Hysterical
by Gail Cregg
Summary: Zombie Tony, a rock band and the Annexe Principle II. What more could you want in a crack fic? Follow up (with extra crack) to Hysteria.


Mandyville - The place a character goes when they disappear from a show without explanation. From the West Wing fandom.

HYSTERICAL.

"I think you need to rest up a minute." Palmer helps zombie Tony to sit in the chair at Ducky's desk.  
"Yeah, getting shot really takes it out of you. Why did you have to shoot me so many times?"  
"Just letting out some frustration. Sorry."  
"S'alright. It's no worse than when I had that plaque. I really should have listened to Abby's dental hygiene lecture."  
"If you're going to keep oozing blood from those wounds could you try dropping over a bucket, please."  
"Sure." Tony holds out his arm so the blood drops into the bucket on the floor beside him. "Why are there buckets of blood everywhere?"  
"They're needed for the crime scene later in the ep. Since it's not used a lot in the script there's often extra things stored in here."  
"Oh. That makes sense. Now where were we?"

"You were about to run upstairs to tell the powers that be about your ideas for a new direction for the show with zombie Tony, McGiva and no Tiva." The reply comes from across the room where three members of a rock band are trying to clean themselves up at the autopsy sink.  
"Who are you guys?"  
"Who are you?"  
"I asked you first and since you just dripped from my nose I think I deserve an answer ."  
The guys are still looking at him in amazement that he needs to ask the question.  
"We're Brain Matter. One of Abby Sciuto's favorite bands."  
"I am very special now also zombie agent Anthony D. DiNozzo."  
"DiNozzo?_ The_ DiNozzo?"  
"Yeah."  
"Dude if ya goin' to date her ya need to know what she likes."  
"Who said anything about me dating Abby?"  
"Isn't it obvious man." One of the other band members replies. "Even with her track record there's no way Ziva would ever date a zombie. I think Tiva is officially dead. You'll need a new love interest. Abby is perfect for you."  
"Hmm." Zombie DiNozzo nods thinking about it.  
"You also need to make her a superhero with all sorts of powers."  
"That is such a cool idea!" Jimmy chimes in enthusiastically. "She already has the cape."  
"We really should go and see her before we leave." The band walks from the room.

"So what else should happen when the show goes in a new direction? Take notes Jimmy."  
"On it Boss." Palmer takes a pad and pen from Ducky's desk and then sits up on the autopsy table as zombie DiNozzo starts to think out loud.  
"I'll have it written into my contract that I can only be the goofy comic relief once every four episodes and should always be written as confident and capable."  
"Good idea. Ziva should be contractually obligated to turn green and wear a bandanna whenever doing anything vaguely ninjaish such as fighting, knife throwing, running after or tackling a suspect."  
Zombie Tony stares at him. "You mean she turns into a teenage mutant ninja turtle?"  
"Exactly. Apparently they're popular with kids again and she could use a little help in the popularity stakes."  
"I like it. How long have you been thinking of that?"  
"Since she slammed me into the desk in the ep where I was shot at."

"Okay. Now if we're going to have zombie agents then logically I should be in charge of them. That is when I'm not at my other job as a highly successful game show host. It means Gibbs will need a new role."  
"Director of NCIS?"  
"He'd hate that. Besides I was thinking of Bert for that role."  
"Bert? Abby's stuffed hippo?"  
"Yeah. It's a role requiring a thick skin. We'll have a few eps of Vance's life hanging by a thread as the result of a poison toothpick attack which should be good for ratings. Then when he returns he can train agents in various fighting skills."  
"Perhaps Gibbs could build sets..." muses Jimmy. Zombie Tony shakes his head and they sit silently for a few minutes.  
"Got it!" Zombie Tony punches his fist in the air with excitement. "He can head up our mounted division."  
"NCIS on horseback. Neat idea."  
"Oh, no. We're going much bigger than that. We'll have agents riding the result of the Annexe Principle II."  
"You mean..."  
"Yes. We'll have them riding giant half-robot caterpillars that can fly." They exchange an excited high five.

"Tony if we have a zombie division can we also have a ghost division?"  
"Go on."  
"We could bring back agent Todd to run it and agents Cassidy, Pacci, Hall and Nelson to staff it."  
"It would add some diversity to the cases we could work. Write it down."  
"If we're not sending Ziva off to Mandyville and she's in a relationship with McGee how can we bring some angst into her storyline? And what will he do?"  
"Since he's not a zombie he can't work for me. I know we'll kill two birds with one stone. A job for Tim and angst for Ziva."  
"How?"  
"Her father dies and McGee is named as the new head of Mossad." Zombie Tony is grinning wickedly.  
"WHAT?"  
"It's the perfect reward for his time spent as a double agent working inside NCIS for the Israelis. We'll get lots of plot material from that.

Now what about you my little autopsy gremlin. Shall we make the good doc retire so you can have more of a part?"  
"Dr Mallard would be perfect for the head shrinker role but..."  
"That's great. Putting that forensic psychology degree to good use and not as physically demanding as being medical examiner and having to go to crime scenes and haul bodies around."  
Palmer shakes his head. "Not head shrink DiNozzo, head shrinker."  
"Huh?"  
"The guy in charge of miniaturizing agents when the mission requires it. Shrinking them and later returning them to normal size. I know he'd love it but truthfully I'm happy with how things are now. I like that I still have time to spend with Breena and all that medical terminology...the lines...the lines.."

"Ya know this is starting to sound like the plot of a really bad fan fic and I dunno if that's a good thing..."  
"Actually it's sounding more like a crack fan fic and that _is_ a good thing."  
"It is?"  
"Haven't you heard the genre is making a comeback? Crack is the new black."  
They start to laugh and with a phoof it was time for the ad break.


End file.
